I Know You Won't
by Frankielynn
Summary: You never know what someone's vice is just by looking at them, you can't tell what makes them weak or strong. You can't see how someone hurts and breaks. Until he came back… Re-edited version
1. I Know You Won't - Bella

**So, I'm sure some of you have seen this story around. I had it up here about a year ago, and removed it. Well, after some tweaking and edits, It's Back!**

**Over the next coming weeks, I'm going to slowly add all of my fics back to this profile, it's gonna take some time as some stories need more edit love then others. **

**I will also be posting the stories I'm working on now.**

**As always, Since this story is the first I ever wrote, it's still unbeta'd. Any mistakes left are mine and mine alone.**

**I hope you enjoy this fic again, as much as I did writing it.**

**Frankie**

* * *

You never know what someone's vice is just by looking at them, you can't tell what makes them weak or strong. You can't see how someone hurts and breaks.

I thought too much, he thought too little. I pushed, he pulled. I gave, he took. I broke and … he broke me. What was my vice? What was my weakness and my strength? What made me hurt and break? The answer is simple and only needs one word …_him._ He is the very undoing of everything I am, and ever was and could be. The undoing of it all lies with him, and him alone. Yet with just a simple nod of the head or half grin, I'm melting into a broken pile at his feet. Ready and waiting for him to use me up and toss me aside, and why? Because he _loves me_. So I tell myself every time. I tell myself I'm better without him. Those things would be easier, or hell I didn't even know anymore.

I should probably start from the beginning, explain. Like a normal person. Beginning, middle, end. But I'm not normal, and this isn't a normal story. There isn't a fairytale ending, no happy ever after. The prince won't ride off into the sunset with the princess, after slaying the dragon. Why? Because the prince in this story is the dragon. And the princess? Well, the princess always seems to find her way right back in the dragon's lair.

But if a story needs a beginning to have an end, my beginning _was _the end. I met Jasper through Edward. He was Edwards adopted brother, calm and mysterious. Never giving away his emotions. Jasper was there after Edward left. Jasper was the reason _why _Edward left. That should have been my first clue. A fight between the two of them over keeping me safe from _danger_, caused Edward to leave. Leaving me in the worst danger yet…Jasper. I was broken and falling apart after Edward left me, and then Jasper was there. Jasper was always there after things went wrong in my life. I never once thought then he was the reason they were wrong. I let him fix it, never doubting his love for me. Never.

How did I get here? Get to this almost madding, crazed state? How did I become this person? If I was being honest with myself…which I rarely was anymore, it all started to slip shortly after I met _him._ It started out small with things like changing my perfume, because he didn't like the way my old one smelled, or changing my hair…..because he thought it was to plain. I changed little things; that grew into big things, that somehow morphed into huge things, and then it was over. He was gone and I was not the same. I was a mess .. _. damaged._ I didn't eat, I didn't sleep…I didn't care. I didn't _want _to care.

He came back. _He . . .Came . . . Back._

He left, I broke down. He came back, it got worse. What was _just_ ruined, was now completely destroyed. Everything felt like tiny razor blades cutting into me, reminding me. Reminding me that I was fucked up without him and then again worse, I was fucked up _**with **_him. That it was all fucked up, everything, every thought, breath, second that clicked by on the clock was _**fucked up**_. Because of him, because he left, because he came back, _because I met him_.

I was to the point now of not caring about anything. I no longer wondered if I was this messed up before I met him, or if it was me that in fact had messed him up. I couldn't remember now who truly broke who, or who had caused the most damage. After all that was the game we had played for so many years. A game of one upping to see who could make the other cry, or bunch the wall. Never each other, no, we never actually hurt each other…not with fists. We hurt each other with words, bad words. Words that you don't say to someone you love. Someone who means anything at all to you.

Funny thing was I knew how much I meant to him. I knew I was his everything. He knew how I felt about him as well. It was loving each other the correct way we had a hard time with, we had already mastered hurting each other. Loving each other was probably what did the most damage in the end …or maybe it just worked out the way it was suppose to work out.

_Until he came back…_


	2. I Know You Won't-Jasper

Did I love her? _Once._

A part of me loved her the moment I first met her. The moment Edward first brought her home, I knew I had to have her. Claim her. Break her. And break her I did. Edward was always so careful around her, trying not to cause the fragile little human upset. I knew Bella could handle more than what Edward allowed her. She was cracking under the weight of his protective grip.

Bella always seemed to find the danger any place she went. After all she found me, one of the worst dangers to her. After having yet another close call, and a difference in proper safety for Bella, Edward left her. Leaving her open and wounded, and ripe for my picking. I probably should have walked away, let her try and _heal_, before making my move. A broken Bella was easier to control.

Our relationship started out fairly calm; Bella trying to fix her broken heart, me being the knight and shining armor saving the day. We walked a wonderfully landscaped fine line between making it better and making it worse. I was the push, to her pull. The match, for her gasoline. A wonderful dance indeed. The breakdown happened when I moved Bella in with me.

I told myself it was to be able to keep her safe. In truth it was too keep better control. Break the broken girl more. A box of Edward's old writings caused my fist to make a beautiful hole in the wall. Bella never touched the box again.

The first time I destroyed a sofa, was after Bella had mentioned missing Edward. I flipped the sofa over, shoving it into the newly repaired wall. After that it didn't matter what Bella did. Breaking things became daily. Bella breathing caused me to fly into a rage of destruction. Bella and I battled over movies and phones calls. A burnt slice of toast would cause me to leave for hours. Adding for a nice effect, was Bella worrying.

Her constant need to be _just right,_ was just the pull to my fire to break her down again. I wanted her human, but then again I hated her for the human mistakes, she even had me making before I left. I had stayed to watch the train wreck. I had caused a beautiful lie and set a fire. I wanted to watch it burn. I watched the fire until the flames got to close. Bella was breaking down the human in me. Weakening the monster I had worked so hard to become.

_I left._

I caused her the worst, trying to give her the best. I left her broken in a restless sleep. I left to save us from truly killing each other. Before we both gave into our own monster. I stayed away, letting her do the rest of the damage for me. Bella, her own worst enemy. The poetry of the lie, pure music to my ears. In truth, I left to let the breakdown of Bella take hold more and run away. Without me she would be nothing, grasping on to the small hopes she'd let her self feel.

I wanted to say I missed her, and in a way I did. What I missed the most was watching the crumble of Bella.  
I had stayed away to long, the wrecking ball no longer damaging. I needed a good fight, a hole in the wall. A hole in Bella. Make Bella mine.

_I came back._


	3. Chapter 1 How It Ended

I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned. I counted the water spots in the ceiling …. there were six. I stared at the clock…five am…. six thirty…. seven. I counted the minutes ticking by with the thump of my heart beat, I couldn't make it match. I got annoyed. I turned my light on. I turned my light off. I was back to staring at the ceiling… the water spots started to move and taunt me. I put the pillow over my head, and again tried to sleep. The problem was the bed was empty beside me, I never slept well when he wasn't in the bed with me. I didn't sleep well when he was in bed either, but at least he was there.

We had had another fight. It was different this time, I was the only one yelling. I made him leave. He'd be back, he always came back. I'd take him back, I always took him back. Then I'd yell again … wash, rinse, repeat. I rolled over again onto his spot in the bed. It still smelled like him. I fell asleep.

I told myself time and time again that we were helping each other. That I was as good for him as he was for me. Truth … I was as bad for him as he was for me. The good happy feelings lasted right up until I moved into his house. It started while unpacking a box, we had to re-drywall the whole wall. The box is still unpacked. Our fights seemed to get worse, and more often then our love. "I hate you" was our new "I love you", and always seemed to be followed by a slamming door.

After every fight, every destroyed couch or wall. After all that came the loving, or our twisted version of it. The pattern worked well. Jasper broke the sofa, I'd fuck him by the rubble. The next day we had a new sofa. There wasn't a lot that Jasper's money or charm couldn't fix or destroy. There wasn't much, but . . ._ me._ We couldn't even fix our selves, much less each other.

The door slamming woke me up. It was him, back for round two. To take his turn in yelling at me, maybe add another hole to the wall. Tell me how I was ruining his life. That he wanted me gone by morning, only to take it back the next day, when he saw me starting to pack. Instead Jasper just crawled into bed next to me. No words spoken, not even a kiss. This was worse then the yelling. The kicking me out. This was so much worse. I spent the rest of that night trying not to toss and turn, and disturb him. To hold my panic in. I was sore and stiff from lying in the same spot.

I saw the light coming in the window, and rolled over to find the bed empty. Jasper must have got up early and made breakfast. Even as I let my mind think it, I knew it was a lie, Jasper never cooked. But it still felt better to lie, then feel the truth. I walked out from our bedroom to see that all that was left of the night before, was a note lying on the third broken sofa this month. It stated in just one sentence, everything that was never said our whole time together.

Though somehow knowing that the note and what it said should make me feel better, I couldn't help but feel my knees buckle under me, as I landed on the same broken sofa as the note. I must have laid like that for hours, before I felt the spring from the destroyed couch poking me in my back. I didn't move to get up, instead I rolled myself into the spring. Feeling it break my skin, the blood start to coat it. Jasper would be pissed that I had spilled my blood so uncaringly, with the knowledge of it's call to him. I couldn't make myself move or care. I could feel myself fading. Not from the loss of blood, but from the loss of Jasper. I had stayed in the same spot waiting for him to return. He didn't.

It was Monday…no Jasper.

Tuesday…..Nothing.

A whole month had gone by, and Jasper hadn't come back.

The couch was still broken, my blood was now dried and crusted on the spring, and the note? The note still hadn't been moved either. It was taunting and teasing me from it's post next to my blood on the couch. Another reminder of Jasper not being there. If Jasper had been here, the blood and the broken sofa would have been long gone before most people even had lunch. I walked back into what used to be the living room and picked up the note, finally letting myself see the lies splattered all over it's page.

_"Bella, sorry I can't be the right monster for you. Maybe you'll have better luck without me. Jasper."_

_I couldn't bring myself to throw it away._


	4. Chapter 2 Demons

_I loved her._

_I hated her._

_I left her._

She was everything I needed, and nothing I could ever have. So I broke her down and made her cry. It was fun and I was cruel. To be fair, she dished out her share of anger. She yelled, I'd break stuff. She cried, I'd break more stuff. She did nothing, and I left. Was it fair? No. Should I have left a long time ago? Maybe. Should I have tried to get better control on my anger? Yes. That was a big fat yes. Did I blame her for the anger, the fights? Sometimes. It was easier then blaming myself. Everything was easier then blaming myself.

Bad Bella was fun. She'd throw things at me. I got turned on. The sickness of our relationship was just that…..sick. We couldn't do anything normal without a fight. Even making breakfast something got destroyed. The biggest thing broken was us. Both too caught up in our twisted game, to see how wrong it was. I broke her down so much, she couldn't even think without me being her brain. In truth, I was getting tired of it. Of controlling Bella. The sad part was she loved me. It was my biggest mistake in this whole thing. I let her love me. I had told her I loved her, and she believed me. Because of that lie, she loved me.

I had come home last night after our latest fight, to see her curled into my side of the bed. I couldn't have her on my side of the bed. I couldn't have it, because it would make her love me more. That was bad. That was what I told myself anyway. Having Bella love me was like walking myself into the flames. Twisting and burning me to beyond ashes. Just seeing her clutching my pillow, was starting a slow burn in my gut. I reminded myself as I shoved her over to her side, why I was still here. She needed me. Or I needed her. I was forgetting my own lie now. So caught up now, that I was letting myself slip. I was itching to run. I need to free myself from the flames. From her love.

I watched her sleep. The human in me scratching to the surface to reach out and touch her. _Bad._ It was bad to let myself care now. To let her worm her way in. Break me. She had already broken me. My brain screamed at me, how wrong it was that I let myself get close again. I had almost done it. Almost left. It would have felt so good. The only flaw in my plan, was if I left I couldn't stay and watch the breakdown. I wanted to see the breakdown. My need to break and destroy Bella had become like a heroin addict needed a fix. I itched and got antsy when there wasn't something I could hold over her head. Make her cry. Make her hurt. Make me break something. I was twitching to break something again. I had a small fix last night when I murdered our couch. It wasn't enough.

I couldn't stay in bed anymore. Her breathing was pissing me off. She was so… I didn't have the right words. I hated her. No. I loved her. No. I needed her. No. No, no, no… NOOO! I was doing it again. I was losing the control. I was losing my high. Losing my grip over her, wait over me. I was confused again. I got up and walked into our living room. The couch was still broken. I normally bought a new one after the smoke had cleared from whatever the latest fight was. The department store I bought them from, was starting to wonder why I was always needing new beds and sofas. I didn't care. Money was a great power, it fixed everything. It couldn't fix Bella. I could fix Bella. I could leave.

_So I did…_


	5. Chapter 3 The Crying Game

A single tear threatened to slip down my cheek. _Bad._ I couldn't and wouldn't, let myself cry over him leaving. Jasper leaving was a good thing. The searing pain and gaping hole, that I was sure was visible, made it feel all the more a lie. I drank my coffee and laid in bed for days. I was thinking about him again, how his kisses tasted like cigarettes. How I always found myself lost in his eyes, in the peaceful moments of us. I moved once when the phone rang. I knew it wasn't going to be him.

Memories seemed to control me now. Everything controlled me. I wondered if I'd ever be able to control myself? Remembering the way Jasper would stroke my hair at night, to put me to sleep. It seemed so loving to me then, a gentle gesture amongst abuse. Looking back now, it was one of the things I hated most about Jasper. The simple sweet moments, were just his subtle ways of letting me weaken into him more. _Good Bella, add more salt to the bleeding wound, remember it all._

I was losing hope. Losing myself. No, I had already lost myself. I had lost that when Jasper wrote down my name on the note. I had for so long been hooked to him like a life line. Breathing and thinking solely on his command. I couldn't even make myself eat without writing a note to remind me. I was ruined. Worse, _I had let myself be ruined._ I had let him sink me into a shell of what I used to be. What was I before I had met him? I couldn't remember. I didn't _want to remember_. I wanted to die. No, I wanted Jasper. That was worse than dying. Why couldn't I see that Jasper was death? He killed all the good and beauty my life should have had. I had let him. I was making all those words sting me over and over. Tiny bees infecting me with the venom and truth. The bees didn't stop stinging me for a week. I didn't care.

Feeling any sort of pain meant that I was alone. I wanted pain. I never got what I wanted. As soon as the pain left, I was numb. I felt nothing and everything, and the knocking on the door made me want to punch the wall. Jasper wasn't here to fix it this time. Jasper wasn't here to bandage my hand as my fist made contact with the mirror.

That was my biggest enemy now. My reflection. My sunken eyes and paled skin. My skin looked too big for my body. How long had I looked like this? With Jasper around I was always so caught up in the world that he swirled around us, to be bothered by a mirror. Now all the mirrors in the house seemed to toy with me. My reflection should have scared me, instead it proved to me how badly I let my lie to Jasper break me. I let the plants die, that meant something. It was a symbol. I made things die. I killed everything I touched. I had killed Jasper. The good and human part of him had been massacred, and left to bleed out. I did that.

What had I wanted to happen? I wasn't lucky enough for happiness. Good things ran from me. Jasper ran from me. That was my proof. I loved him, and he ran from me. Love was bad. No, love was supposed to be good, make you happy. Float on air. I was burning in hell. Jasper didn't love me. No one loved me. I was wrecked, and torn, and bad. I did bad things, and ruined good people.

I guess I should have felt lucky. The one thing keeping me from a good life. A happy life. I couldn't have a happy life, my life was gone. I started sleeping in Jasper's spot in the bed. Once it no longer smelled like him, I tossed the bed out the window. I needed the reminders of him. I didn't want the reminders of him, they hurt. I wanted to hurt. Hurting made it real. I didn't want it to be real. I was talking to myself. I was lying to myself. I had always been lying to myself. I had told myself I had needed Jasper. I told myself we needed each other.

I was always wrong. Jasper told me that. I was breaking down. The dishes piled up. The trash never got taken out. There were still holes in the wall. The damn sofa was still broken and bloody. Funny that's how I felt, broken and bloody. I had brought it on myself, let Jasper seep into my veins like a poison. Fester under my skin, and eat away at me. I broke him and crippled me.

It was over now. What had infected me was gone. I could repent of my sins. I didn't want to. I didn't know how.

_The damage was done._


	6. Chapter 4: Coming Undone

Bella bruised easy. I found that out when my fist had grazed her cheek on its way to the wall. The next day her face was puffy and purple. I liked purple. Bella fell down all by herself. I never had to lay a finger on her. I wish I had sometimes. There was an odd release in hitting. A scene of power. I liked power. Power was my drug. No, Bella was my drug. _She was the best drug._  
_  
_The withdrawals were almost harder to kick then an actual drug. My skin tingled to see her. See her break and bleed. _Suffering._ I loved her best when she was suffering. She was better off without me. The voices told me that, as I wrestled with the steering wheel, trying to make it not turn around. I could feel the urge start to waver, as I turned into the broken down motel off the highway._  
_Bella always slept on her right side. She liked her coffee black, kissing her always tasted like kissing coal. I remembered odd things about her…_ about us_. Like playing with her hair, as she tried to fall asleep. I knew it drove her crazy, and I did it anyway. My simple mind game. I never really had to do much to make her crazy. The bigger card tricks saved for a good fight.__

"Magnifiquement détruite" That was what my Bella was. It sounded better in French, lots of bad words sounded better in French. _My Bella_, now there's a pretty lie. She wasn't mine, not anymore, not really. I knew if I changed my mind now though, that she'd still take me back. Bella always took me back, and I always let her. In truth she never really was mine, but I made her mine anyway. I claimed her, ruined her, and tossed her back to the wolves.

The bed was hard, and had dried blood stains. It reminded me of home, of Bella. I couldn't stay. Couldn't be reminded of Bella. I was doing her the best favor. Forget about me, I had long since forgot what was best for me…_ Bella._ I was yelling at myself. I had spent too much time away from my drug, I was losing my grip. I wished now that I could sleep, erase the mental hard drive and start over. I knew even if I could sleep, that wouldn't happen. I learned that from watching Bella, she never forgot. It was a curse and a blessing. _Now it was just a memory.  
_I counted the blood stains on the bed, wondering how each one got there. The song on the radio made me stop. _A love song_. The words fighting against the music, made me want the violence of breaking Bella back. How messed up was that? A love song made me think only of hurting the things I loved. Wait, I didn't love Bella. I was confusing myself in my own lies._  
_  
I threw the radio against the wall, watching the guts of it splatter, broken pieces of metal and wire heaped on the floor. I was awed by the mess, it reminded me so much of the upturned and broken sofas I had murdered. I picked up a stray jagged piece of broken metal, that_ should_ have cut me, instead bending back into itself against my finger. Everything coward to me…even metal. The only thing that never coward to me, was Bella. Not until I broke the last strong and able part of her._  
_  
I should hate myself for the things I did to her. The only thing I hate about myself is leaving her. Now who was going to break her down? I left the pile of scrap radio on the motel floor. I was still too close to where Bella was, to make the itch go away. I needed to run to a place her body and blood didn't call to me. I was thinking too many thoughts again as I started my car. The war to turn around, raging up again. The monster wanting one more fight and breakdown. To steal her soul away one more time, tease her with the hope she hadn't lost me.  
_  
_Because she _hadn't_ lost me_…I lost her._


	7. Chapter 5: Détruire la Beauté

I listened to the song on the radio for a while, letting the words lie to me. I always hated love songs, they were nothing but made up words that never happen. I tossed and turned, fighting sleep for yet another night. I knew Jasper was really gone now. The part of me that was forever connected to him, was pulled and snapped in half for good. Maybe it was for the best, maybe now I could get back the parts of me he hid away for all those years.

I'm making it sound like it was all Jasper. I was as cruel as him, maybe worse. I knew the game, and still played anyway. I was taught not to play with matches, but yet as soon as the flame was lit I danced around it, begging it to burn me. When it did, I begged for more. I had years of scars to prove my guilt. I turned the radio off and forced myself to go to the kitchen, I needed to eat. A habit I had always longed to see removed from my life. Things like eating, and sleeping, I had never really wanted anyway. They wasted time I could have spent with Jasper. Doing what? Well that was the thing. He always told me if we didn't have to waste life with my human moments, my shiny toy effect would be lost. I guess it was lost anyway.

How many times can you be entertained by watching someone sleep? I mentally slapped myself for the thought, of once begging to find out how shiny I'd be once I was like Jasper. Teasing myself that maybe now, it was a good thing I never got my wish. Funny, I was having a hard time finding much a _good thing_ anymore. Maybe it was a start, or just another end.

I toyed with the idea of pricking my finger just to see, if I made the demons appear, meet my death properly. There was no one to save me now. I never wanted to be saved the first time, _maybe I wasn't_. In saving me from one death, I fell blissfully into another. A beautiful dream and crushing nightmare, all wrapped up into one pretty face. Edward always said they were monsters, I never saw it till all the monsters went away.

The broken parts of me snapped again, as I opened the closet in search of fresh clothes. One of Jasper's shirts hung tauntingly in the back of the closest. Another reminder of the speed in which he made himself a bad memory in my head. I wanted to touch it, burn myself once more. I saw my hand creeping out slowly for the hem. I could already feel the heat I was begging for. Craving the hit of the flames, once to the shirt I felt the small prick of heat. Nothing like touching the man who once wore this long forgotten shirt.

I was much like Jasper's shirt. A discarded afterthought, long forgotten. I lied to myself thinking maybe he'd remember, come back for it. He wouldn't, he had enough money he could buy the department store, and toss them all out after one wear. I was the only thing he ever wore more than once.

My shower only helped in stinging me to yet another memory. The few of the good ones. The ones of Jasper's cold hands, roaming my body in search of a much needed release . The gentle pressure he used, careful not to break my human body by his inhuman needs. That was the only time he ever used caution with me. The only time he felt he needed too. Jasper was always gentle when it came to sex, even at the end.  
Why did I not know it was the end? They always say you never see it coming. I wanted to know better.

Know that I could feel a change in the air or his eyes. Maybe I did. Maybe I changed, and that was the end. I had learned long ago not to feel, it was my emotions that always hurt him the most. My biggest weapon. To keep my emotions to simple, numb feelings. Jasper liked it that way " The air is easier when you don't feel, Bella" He barked to me once, when I let a tear burn from my eye and slip down my face after a fight.

I numbed myself after that, always numb._ Never feeling_. Now I was wishing again not to feel.


	8. Chapter 6: Choking On The blood

I was standing on the edge of my control again. A tiny pin prick and I was jumping. Which way I landed, I wasn't sure yet. I stood back in the same place I stood years before. Dragging myself back here now was not my choice. I hadn't forgot my memories, I never wanted too. Sure I twisted them around, morphed them into what made me happy. I remember them how I wanted to remember them. Kicking myself only once, for not actually acting out one of the memories I had manipulated. The manipulated memory still haunted me, almost worse than the memory it was before.

I never wanted to kill her. Not an actual death. I wanted to let her do that herself. Brick by beautiful brick, I watched her beg for death. She never said the words out loud, she instead made me feel them. She only once muted to death. Not the death I wanted her to have. A death in which she was dead only in the human sense. I told her once I could never give her that kind of death, she would only serve to be useless to me then. No longer an entertaining toy. It was lie even then, as I wound up leaving her anyway.

I questioned the monster I was again. I was never this destructive before her._ Was I?_ I always thought myself the monster, I guess letting myself act out the fantasy made me this way. Then again Bella begged the monster out, a monster in her own right. I did the most damage, letting the venom seep out. Maybe I should have killed her. Watch her burn. What you get for playing with fire.

The rock in my hand now dust, I kicked another one. It flew into a tree, impacting itself in the tree trunk. The oddness of it making me happy. A blemish in the beautiful forest. I was forever causing ripples in the order of nature. A ripple myself. I crushed another rock, watching the dust rain out of my hands. The last grain of rock sand spilling to the dirt slowly, as I stood frozen. I could feel her. Her emotions running my head into madness. I was too close, her pull to me reconnecting. I could almost visibly see the cords snapping back into place. Twisting and linking me to her.

I was torturing myself by the pull. The weight of it caused me to flinch. I tasted her emotions, teasing my mouth with her. I wanted more. To taste her. To break her. My drug calling me with its wonderful song. Her pull singing to me. I fought with myself, as I took down trees that got in my way. I was hungry, hunting for only one thing.

The one thing I didn't need. The one thing that would make the long since dead monster, want to search and destroy. I felt the junkie in me twitch, the itch and burn growing. I let it burn until I couldn't take it. I wanted to break apart the beautiful lies again. Twist her and use her. Claim her as mine. _Watch her suffer._

_Love her_.

Did I? Did I want to love her? A part of me had always loved her. Loved her body. The destruction over taking all other emotions. She loved me in the shadow of everything we broke and raped from each other. Her own personal drug in the game. We were a sick version of soul mates. Bad for each other, poison and venom in pretty wrapping paper. Yet bound to each other for eternity, hopelessly stuck playing the game till one gave up.

I let myself suffer in her emotions for a few minutes longer. Remembering the times I numbed her into an emotionless heap. It was one of my moves in checkmate. She had nothing to top it, the only thing she had as a top was letting me feel only her love.

_It worked every time._


	9. Chapter 7: Dancing With Her Devil

_It hurt_. It hurt all over again. Pain and sadness, I had long since tucked away in the back of my mind, rushing to the surface. A sudden dizzying level of emotion, crippling me to my chair. White knuckled and clammy, I felt _his_ pull. The pull that had been broken too many years ago now. I still remembered it. Never fully coming back from the edge of the cliff. Always one foot on the ledge, to jump at the ready. My one day at a time, seeming to make it only push me to edge.

One hour into one day, became one week, then one month, one year and continue. One year was now five. Five years, and I still felt him. The never leaving dull want, now a burning ache again. I was feeling the pull to him grow in waves. The minutes ticked by as I sat, heart stopped by the emotion. It felt the same, yet different. The years changing the connection and feeling of each other, but it was still the same. Still _Jasper_. My heart sped up a pace. Fear and joy dancing together now. I still couldn't move. I was waiting for the pull to leave again. Detach and separate the cells around me.

Time was an evil creature. Never letting you run to what you really want. Only pushing it farther away from you. Laughing as it does so. I let another minute tick by, letting more time be lost in the rubble. Nothing had changed in the five years without Jasper. My hair was longer, I had bought a new couch. I was getting tired of the memory from the broken one. The left behind shirt was still untouched in the back of my closet. Other things, other _memories_ slowly removed or forgotten. Yet with one look at the new couch, or his old shirt, all would come flooding back.

I had to break down and by a new bed as well. The man at the store surely thinking I was a strung out drug addict, crying over a soft white mattress. Another memory, venom in my mind. I only spilled tears a few times. Years of not being able to cry imbedded into me, stopped most thoughts of tears cold.

I forced my life to move. Continue without the pieces of me. Autopilot in motion. I hung Christmas lights every year, passed out candy to trick-or-treaters. No one seeming to notice the blank of my eyes. The lack of emotion to any one person or event. I faked through birthday's and holiday's. Smiling as I was wished a "Happy Birthday", or "Merry Christmas, Bella". Finding nothing happy or merry about either.

Without him I just didn't care. I knew if the feelings I was getting now meant he was back, he wasn't back for me. That was to good to be true. He wouldn't want me now. A shell of shell. Broken down from the breakdown. Like an abandoned house, left to crumble. Without a life inside it. I wasn't that naïve, to think he would want me back after all these years. Still, I couldn't kill the small hope that maybe it was for me. That he had came back for me. Though I was sure if he was, it was only to see if I was as broken as when he left. To make fun and laugh at my crippled state.

A tear found its way onto my lip. I didn't know when I started crying. Too lost in my memory and thoughts, to see the world around me. I forced myself to move, to run from the pull of him. If he was back. He had to find _me._ I wasn't going to give him the chance to see me so helpless. To see me lost. It was a power he didn't need.

It was cold outside. A fresh snow had made the world clean and beautiful again. The pureness of the moment not lost on me. A new year, like the changing of the guard, was fast approaching. A new year, a chance to start fresh. Make amends, _start over_. With the new year brought with it the same old pains. The memories of years past.

_Bittersweet_.

I pressed my face to the cold glass, watching the snow fall outside. For a moment lost in a memory of laying in Jasper's cold arms, my face on his chest as he played with my hair. Another of our rare _happy_ moments. We had had few happy moments amongst the bad. I tried to live in both worlds equally. The memories of every moment with Jasper burned into me.

_I missed him…_


	10. Chapter 8: I Told You So

Snow had a calming effect on me. I use to make snowballs for Bella in the winter. We would have snow ball fights after the first snow had fallen. I always let her win. She knew I let her win, and would get mad. A snowball fight always ended in a real fight. Funny, I somehow always wound up still being calmed by the snow. It had a pureness to it. It was almost impossible to wreck, _Unlike Bella_. I stole her innocence, her goodness. She was no longer like the snow.

My mind started to wander and drift with memories, as the snow fell angry around me. Bella's smell…_strawberry and coconut_. Bella's laugh….._when I'd stuff a stray snow ball down her shirt_. Bella's eyes …._when she'd look up at me when we made love_. Bella's…_body_. Bella's... **_everything_****.**

_I missed her._

Missed the way her tiny body curved into mine. Stone and flesh melding in harmony. I had told myself over the years I didn't. She was better of without me. We were bad for each other. That without me she could heal. Find herself again…..be _happy. _The war in me started then. I was jealous of anything that made her happy, that wasn't me. She couldn't be happy without me, she wasn't happy _with_ me. We fought and lied to each other. Made each other mad, and hurt one another. We lived in broken furniture, and broken hearts. She wanted to be happy with me. I felt it. The more she tried, the more I ruined it. I wanted to make her hate me. I wanted to hate _her._

_It wasn't working._

It had never worked. Because here I stood, in the middle of a snowstorm unaffected by the cold….._wanting her_. Wanting that broken smile and forced sniffle, as she tried to force back the emotion causing the wayward tear. I hated myself for slipping. For losing the hard edge I had always had about Bella. I blamed the snow, for melting that bitter chill. I knew my true reason for coming back had only little to do with loving Bella. Sure parts of me really loved her, those parts now hardened against my pants. The rest of me wanted to see the car wreck I left. The softness of the moment, gone with the memory.

I still missed her. I had always _missed her_, the reasons why just seemed to change with my mood. There was too much of me bittered from years of playing the bad guy. Even if I wanted to love Bella the right way now, I didn't know how. Hurting her was just easier. _Comforting_. A creature of habit.

That was me, a sick twisted creature of habit. Wanting to break and rape away any good in Bella's world. Just as she had done to me. We had hardened, and calloused each other. That was what made me love her, the evil Bella could throw back was fascinating to me. An innocent smile, while twisting the blade deeper.

A snowflake landed on my shoe. Resting unfazed by the world around it. Peaceful in it's choice of rest. No other snowflake fallowed it. It had made its decent on it's own. I watched it melt and drip away, the air warming it. I had made up my mind. Finally landed from my cliff fall.

I was going back to Bella, _finish what I started._


	11. chapter 9: Beauty In The Breakdown

Most of the snow had melted. Slush remained in its place. A reminder of the mess that fallowed in the soft beauty of the snow. My day was starting out much the same as all the others. I was still caught up in the feel of the pull to Jasper. It was stronger today. A change I wasn't sure I was ready for yet. I poured myself a cup of coffee, the warm liquid softening the days harsh feel for just a moment.

I had to stop thinking, my memories were a continuous stream in my head now. Broken thoughts and scrambled wants. I wanted to change the channel, turn off the horror movie. I was a nervous breakdown waiting to snap. Nothing was fitting today, I couldn't get comfortable. I hadn't got much sleep the night before, bad dreams teased me. I finally gave up around four am, hanging Christmas lights outside in the mushy snow. I left my jacket in the house, letting the cold hug me. It was another trick I did to mentally cut myself. Reopen the wounds to bleed out, and scab over again.

I wasn't going to put a tree up this year, it was too much work. My emotionless autopilot draining just from hanging the lights. It was all starting to blur and run in together, things that use to be easy, now seemed to drain me. Things I use to enjoy, now just depress or upset me. Doing happy _normal_ things often took all my resolve. I did them in effort to stop the questions, and pitting looks I had got after Jasper left. We had hide our twisted relationship well from the outside world, so Jasper leaving came as a big shock to those not in our close inner circle. I _knew_ our relationship, and it came as a shock.

The coffee warming me into a sleepy haze, I went back to bed. I could sleep better after I had worn my mind out beyond intelligent thought. Bad dreams seemed to stay at bay, until my mind had refilled enough I could handle the nightmare. I let sleep claim me as the thoughts of Jasper swirled around in my head.

Even when sleep came forced from exhaustion, it was never restful. Visions of Jasper, and past fights haunted me. I was too tired to wake myself when I waited this long to sleep, and was bound to the nightmares. I splashed cold water on my face, it eased some of the ache made worse from lack of sleep.

I had give up on trying to get over Jasper, moving on seemed unfair. A betrayal even I couldn't do to him. I was sure he had moved on. _got over me_. It would have been easy for him. He was never as attached to me as I was him. Getting over me would have been easier then blinking. I wasn't sure how that made me feel. Did I want Jasper happy without me? Could I be ok, knowing he was with someone else? I lied to myself, telling myself I wanted him happy even without me. Feeling the words burn my mouth as I lied them. I wanted Jasper happy, but _with_ me. The two could never marry. Happy with me was impossible, we both had made sure of that.

I wanted to go back to bed. Never wake up. Sleep this awful nightmare away. I wanted to cry my eyes out, release all my long pent up emotions. Truly let the breakdown over take me. _I wanted Jasper._

A knock at the door woke me from my thoughts. No one visited me anymore, I ran the last of the friends that did away. I opened the door knowing who would be on the other side. Dreading opening it, an odd humbling of the thought of Jasper standing on the other side, ringing his own door bell. It was sad in a way of the distance time had forced us into. It wasn't Jasper's home anymore.

I opened the door, reservation pouring off me in waves. Jasper stood on the other side, hair drenched from the melting snow. He looked so human to me.

"I missed you Bella."

_I was done for_…


	12. Chapter 10: All Over

**Alright ladies, this is the last chapter. As I said it the first chapter, this was the first story I ever wrote, and it is unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.**

**I hope you enjoyed this. And stay tuned for the return of Loving Your Memory!**

**Frankie**

* * *

I stood frozen at Bella's door. What used to be my home, was now solely hers. I gave up the right to claim it years ago. "_I missed you Bella_" The words poured from my mouth like a threat. It was a threat. That one sentence told so much. Four simple words, inflicting pain with each spill from my mouth. I watched as Bella turned herself inward, feeling the threat laced sweet words. It was her turn to speak.

To accept or deny my words. I had laid my cards down, poker face in tact. Her turn to fold or raise. The poker game back on. Bella's poker face took a minute to come to life. When it did, her musically sweet words raised the bet tenfold.

"I missed you too, Jasper" It was followed by a sweet smile. She was fighting the urges to scream, cry, punch me. Punch _something_, I felt it. Her internal war masked by her welcoming smile and open arms.

She was losing herself in the feelings I had always seemed to have over her. The power to have her at my control.

_I was home._

"I'm sorry I left you, I never didn't love you, Bella" I never _**did**_ either.

I kept that lie to myself. As it was only me lying to myself, the words uttered to Bella a truth I wanted to hide from. It would only make the things I did to her seem that much cruller in the end. I moved forward, embracing Bella in a gentle hug, intoxicating my self to her smell. Her Strawberry scent sending me over the edge, my last cliff to fall from.

I let my mind wander to all the thoughts the scent of Bella induced in me. A good memory followed by a bad, and so on and so on. I let the embrace linger, nether one pulling away. Enjoying the feel of each other's body reunited again. Our bodies had always melded well together. I fit perfectly inside her, and her body curved in all the right spots around mine. It was the only thing ever in perfect sync about us.

Bella's soft whimper made me pull away from the hug.

"You still smell the same, like fresh rain and cigarettes." I never wore cologne, it was my own personal scent. A scent Bella had loved. My predators call. It was one of the few things that had turned her on. She had found my scent was more powerful with the change in my emotions. Anger made it almost too intoxicating.

"You still smell like strawberries" We had been reduced to playground small talk.

Dancing around the big words. The big things that needed to be said, and done. I needed to feel her heat again. Feel her wrapped around my body, claim her.

_She was mine._

I leaned forward, careful not to startle the wild deer into the woods. I kissed her lips, melting my frozen ones around her soft and movable ones. Hardening the kiss, I made my way to the nearest wall. Not bothering to be gentle. I took note of the changes she had made since I had been gone. They may not seem big to her, but to my eyes the meaning behind the changes was almost overwhelming

I felt as her emotions switched from that of anger and upset, to lust and want. Bad Bella was coming out to play. I licked her jaw, down her neck. My drug slowly sliding down my throat as I swallowed. I could feel the high already kicking in.

I felt Bella melt into me, grinding her body against mine. A perfect welcome back. I moved my lips over the other side of her neck, placing soft kisses in my wake.

"How much do you love me Bella?" I asked starting to lick her neck again.

"I love you forever Jasper" She panted to me, just the right words I needed to hear. I felt her writhe a few more times as I softened a spot on her neck, before gently biting down. My venom pouring into Bella as I felt her blood coat my tongue.

_I had claimed her as mine._


End file.
